


Hammerfell Toilet Paper

by Bobb



Category: Elder Scrolls
Genre: Discord Fanfiction, Major character death - Freeform, Mentions of alcohol, Toilet paper lore, Truestl, epic fights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:08:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22390789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bobb/pseuds/Bobb
Summary: Adventurer finds the last toilet paper in the world and gets into trouble
Kudos: 7





	Hammerfell Toilet Paper

**Author's Note:**

> Credits to Jooje, Azurah, Khajiit (collared), and xhorxhi for their inputs in making this story

Out in the scorching desert of Hammerfell, there was a man laying in the sand.

he took a shit in the desert but didn't have any tp so used sand instead

the sand was rough and irritating

the sand killed him

Eons later, the corpse of this man was found by a wandering adventurer.

the adventurer was on a journey and after looting the body he continued onward only to find toilet paper 3 meters away from the corpse

he understood the fate of the redguard, it was a sad moment indeed. But thats the life in the deserts of Hammerfell. He burried the poor man under some rocks to keep the reskinned cliffracers from eating the corpse. The sun started to sink into the sea as the man started to walk back to his village.

In the warm atmosphere of the tavern shielding the adventurer from the frigid air of the midnight desert, she fished out the paper and wondered how long it will last her until she came across the next.

as soon as our main character came out of the bathroom she was greeted with a mob of furious drunk men  
"YOU USED UP THE LAST TOILET PAPER OF THE ENTIRE WORLD"  
"HOW DARE YOU"  
"HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE IT UP FOR US?"

The men was obviously drunk, but they did not scare her. She was born in the northeastern mountains in a village shared both by orsimer and redguards. The orcs could become very violent when they got too much mead, so someone needed to calm them down. Usually by force. She knew what had to be done

She led all the rabble rousers into the tavern.

"lets all calm down gentlemen" said our heroine in a futile attempt to calm the men down  
"NO YOU CALM DOWN" one of the men growled before throwing a punch at her

She moved quickly as a kahjiit out of the way, the men was slow and heavy. Their feet had gotten clumsy of all the mead flooding inside their minds. He stunpled over some barrels and knocked himself out. She kicked one in the stomach so he fell backwards, hitting his head against the stone floor.  
-MURDER!! the third man shouted

Next thing the adventurer knew, a guard materialized out of thin air.  
“Stop! You violated the law. Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence. Your stolen goods are now forfeit.”

"but I was attacked!" protested her  
"that is not what it seems, you're coming with us!"  
before the man could grab her our heroine dodged and ran into the bathroom locking herself in

By the eight divines (this is daggerfall era) i have gotten myself into a cringe mess. She quickly looked around in the small bathroom molded by camel shit bu the best redguard craftsmen in tamrielic lore. Then she saw a small window, "im a small girl, i can fot through that hole" she climbed up on the poop chair. (With the lid closed) She opened the small window.

the guards knock on the door "BREAK THE LAW ON MY WATCH, WILL YA? YOUR STOLEN GOODS ARE NOW FORFEIT, AND NO GOLD TO PAY YOUR FINE? THEN PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD"  
*oblivion combat music*

Barely squeezing her fat bottom out the window she ran through the streets and suddenly felt her limbs freeze. She fell to the ground and out the corner of her eye was a blue yellowed menace

It was the living god, Vivec, coming back from his apparent disappearance. "Why must I be summoned in such shitposty ways? This whole yellow blue stuff, this is why I let Maar Dau drop. Now tell me Yokudan, tf do you want bro"

"and who are you?"  
"vivec one of the living dunmer gods"  
"ok cool bye"  
"I will drop maar dau on your fucking head so help me myself"

"what are you talking about?"  
she looked up on him innocently, laying on the ground. Blood started to drip from her nose. She looked down, "who can look a god into the eyes and live a normal mortal life after that?"

He leaned down to her "my child" he said, squatting like a slav in the middle of the road. The moons started to rise shining up the cold desert in a unatural bloom. Making it look dead. The god of the dunmers viped of the blood with his fingers from her nose. "I am looking for some spicy lore to the west, i need a boat, where can i find it?" 

She was scared, his eyes was like stars on the nightsky.

“There’s been rumor of an expedition being formed in stros mkai to the ruins of old yokuda. They are supposedly looking for the blue and yellow prints in the construction of toilet paper.”

"Vivec, why in the deepest bowels of Lyg would you pull that shit. You and your horrible children destroyed Yokuda."  
"Shut the fuck up and let me recall you over there"  
"Fine you dumb living god go eat boethia shit."

vivec cast recall and what our heroine saw shocked her, instead of being in a destroyed desert she was on bar daau and it was then that vivec said  
"you're under arrest for crimes against vvardenfell and her people"  
and so our story ends with our heroine doomed to perish in a cringe floating rock  
the end

\--Rejected (vido) Entries--

And then she pulled out her massive schlong

She looked out at the market place through the window and dived into the stalls, it was a potions stall and all the potions crashed down and mixed

The figure looked at her with his heterochromatic eyes. He then said "are all redguard women so beautiful?" And then he slyly said "perhaps I could show you my muautra later?" And winked.

She said "ay bro I need to get away from these guards" he responded "say no more" he lied completely flat on the ground and ordered "climb in back and we'll be off" then he turned into a human rocket like David hasselhoff from SpongeBob

Vivec led her away, giving her a cloak to cover her face. At the docks he whispered "head north to the cave next to the singular tree, I'll wait there along with your ship". He dissapeared the moment she turned around. She was awe struck after meeting such an eccentric fellow. She tried to hire a horse to get to the arranged meeting spot but she had no funds left. So she started a trek along the craggy beach towards the aforementioned cave, what lay there unbeknownst to all but the kind stranger


End file.
